How to Suck at Being A Blogger

Hi folks! Here I am again acting like a know-it-all shoving (supposed to be) tips to your faces. Well, I had fun writing How to Suck at Writing Reviews and hey, why not write more post like it. So, I decided that this kind of stuff would be a regular thing on my blog, but since my inspiration is more unpredictable than the weather, I wouldn’t hold my breath if I were you.
Let’s talk about sucky bloggers. Just like what we agreed on my previous post, a good blogger is so mainstream (and boring), you might not want to be one of them.
Email every publishers/authors on this universe asking for freebies
Dear publisher/authors
My name is yada yada and a professional book blogger. My blog is extremely famous, I get around a gazillion page views per day, so you have to give me free books to review. It’s a win win situation because I get the book and you get the exposure.
Yada Yada

Such a cool pitch email, isn’t it? A blogger who doesn’t approach every publisher/author he/she can find is some kind of a troglodyte. Come on, it’s 2015 and you still don’t have the guts to approach the big guys? Now sit on your computer desk, write the emails and send them around already.

Still hesitate? Now say this a hundred times, “I deserve free books because I am so darn cool”. Your confidence will rise, trust me. Don’t listen to them saying you should not blog for freebies, they know nothing. What should you blog for then? World’s peace? *coughs*

Hold a giveaway and don’t bother announcing the winner

Sounds familiar? Hey, maybe you should try it too. It’s a good idea to pull a prank on your readers, actually. No need to wait for April Mop, it’s still months away. Well, who would’ve time to do announcing thingy, anyway? Your blog is not a deal or freebies site, they should have known when they decide to enter, right? Oh, they don’t have the right to be mad, instead they should feel sorry for their selves for taking life too seriously.

Comment on other blogs and spam them with your links

Yes, that’s it! That’s how to promote your blog like a boss. How else would you gain attention other than spread your links on every nooks and crannies. You want to be as visible as possible, so drop your links anywhere you can. Watch your stats, you’ll get a visitor or two. If it doesn’t work, do it more ruthlessly. Getting bashed because of your action? Not the end of the world! Visit the big mouths’ website and drop your link bombs there too. Proof what a bad-ass you are and let them taste their own medicine!

Buy some tons of dummy followers

I mean who would know whether they’re real people or just bots? They’re cheap, anyway, you get buy them for around $5 for thousands fake followers in instant. See, being fake is sometimes cool and you have nothing to lose. Why wait for months or years to get 100 followers when you can get a millions within seconds for small amount of money? Buy your followers now and raise your credibility right away!

And when you finally get their attentions…

Ignore all the incoming comments and act like a super busy superstar

…even ones that ask you questions. Well, you get like 10 comments per day, who would’ve time to reply each of them. Of course you wouldn’t! Your best bet is to ignore them, don’t reply a word! You’re the superstar, your readers would understand how busy you are. Even if you’re not a superstar yet, you still have to train yourself, right? Who knows when the day will come but you need to be prepared, so start now!

All right, folks! I am run out of tips for now. I promise I’ll post soon as soon as I have some. One thing for sure is, if you apply all my tips I can guarantee that you’ll become the suckiest blogger in the universe, a status that the mainstream bloggers don’t have. Do you have any ideas on how to be a sucky blogger too? Spit them out, the comment section is yours!